Marriage: Q & A with Dr. Dave & Donalyn Currie—Husband Not into Sex
So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?
Donalyn: Well, first off, there is likely nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.
Dave: That’s right, Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what’s going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he’s not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.
Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we don’t feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.
Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here, too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction (ED), that’s likely a huge contributing factor. Of course, that’s a chicken and egg discussion. Did ED happen because of his issues or did the ED happen and contribute to his loss of sexual libido? If he’s feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.
Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which aren’t so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities outside the marriage. That’s becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the internet with the high accessibility and anonymity of online porn.
Dave: It’s true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated (masturbation) without facing the same issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She can’t possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her. Some grow an addiction to this type of 2-dimensional sex.
Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he’s either getting those needs met elsewhere or is crushed by his stress or insecurities and is content not to seek it.
Dave: Exactly. And it’s not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a wide variety of fantasy sources combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping out women discreetly only to capitalize on fantasizing about them later. Others give in to their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there doesn’t seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.
Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. This will be a hard but important talk. You need to have an honest discussion with your husband, but do it gently…in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Try to understand him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you’re feeling, too – whether that’s your insecurity, feeling unfeminine, or even ugly. Share with him how his disinterest is making you feel – even if you suspect that it’s more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you – approach it sensitively.
Dave: That’s a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.
Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team – after all, sex is an “us”. He can’t be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.
Dave: That’s bang on. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Encourage him to get a check up and talk to his doctor. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he’s coming from.
Donalyn: Right. But that’s a tough thing to do if your discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviours are part of the picture.
Dave: No doubt about it. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he’s having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if you husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.
Donalyn: It’s also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behaviour on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you’ve been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you’re making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviours that you can take responsibility for and begin to change in order to improve the situation between you.
Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process.
Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? Have you allowed yourself to gain unwanted weight? We need to work hard to stay balanced and to take responsibility for who we are. Sometimes we excuse ourselves for becoming overweight. A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.
Dave: For those of you with a faith background, keep in mind I Corinthians 7:3-5. “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”
While I wouldn’t necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it, but a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage. There’s no place else to responsibly go.
© Dr. Dave Currie, May 2010
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In our 40 plus years of marriage we have only had sex about 25 or 30 times. First 15 years very little, second 25 none at all. I’m very happy with out sex, love or intimacy. The wife and I are just friends. I don’t like being touched any where on my body. I just makes me creepy all over. My doctor is the only one that touchs me and hes the only one that fixed me. I didn’t want kids and I’m glad. Now on the other hand my wife has been lonely, depressed and starved of sex. I made sure got her pills to calm her down. And further more I’m not interested in her feelings. As far as i’m concered she can go else where to take care of her needs.
Paul,
I hurt for the ton of pain you seem to be carrying. Have you ever wondered what is behind you strong aversion to anything sexual? I don’t know of course if your sexual distance from your wife was part of her issues too but getting to the bottom of the void would likely be good for both of you. Why have you grown disinterested in her feelings? You say you are friends but it doesn’t seem that she feels that way. Do you really want her to go to another man to have her needs met?
I accept the space you are in. I hurt that you think it is best to stay there.
May God give you strength to face the issues that you are carrying.
Behind You,
Dr. Dave
Well things are a little better! Since I last wrote I built a small apartment down stairs so now she has the upstairs and I have the downstairs. I’am not a very caring person and that pretty much includes the world. I don’t much care about the news or reading of any kind. What ever happens around me is none of my business. So if my wife goes out with friends and doesn’t come home till the next day thats fine with me. I really don’t pay attention to her coming and going.
It is not wise to move toward isolation. When your heart is getting harder and your life is getting more disengaged, it is not a great direction.
Have you chosen to remain distant? It that what you want? What does your wife want?
I prefer to be distant! I’ve always been a person who stays by himself. As far as my wife wants I really don’t speak to her often, and the last thing I want to bring up is what she wants.
Dr.Dave,
concerning Pauls wife or a woman battling a similar situation, would these reactions be biblical grounds for Divorce? And the simple fact that paul is talking about He wouldn’t care what His wife does in specifics would validate that He does care and therfore mean Hope, doesn’t it?
what biblical grounds and or actions does a wife have in such a situation?!????
You have done a great job on this article. It’s very readable and highly intelligent. You have even managed to make it understandable and easy to read. You have some real writing talent. Thank you.
Thanks for your kind encouragement. I hope you keep enjoying the articles and it helps your most important relationships.
Hi Dr. Dave,
This is a great discussion. I have been married for a short period of time now and struggle with a lack of or even absence of sexual desire toward my wife. I never had this issue during my dating years and was always faithful in relationships. While we dated, my wife and I were not sexually active by my choice due to spiritual convictions.
I have been through significant physical and emotional trauma recently (an accident)and do take medication regularly for pain. However, if I am honest I struggle with a very significant lust issue. I view online porn from time to time and have sexual desires for any number of women I meet or see from day to day. I fantasize regularly and feel as though my conscience is slowly but surely being eroded.
I find myself longing to be free of the marriage and able to have “fun”, but my faith is constantly at odds with this fleshly desire and I keep being reminded that I’m fortunate to have been blessed with the treasure of a wife that is mine. My wife has experienced significant hurt in her life before I was around, and I don’t want to cause her any more hurt.
Beyond prayer, how would you suggest that I combat my “addictions” and tendencies? I don’t expect there’s any easy cure but would like to work on my issues on my own without involving others who will no doubt judge me.
Thank you.
Dear Afflicted,
Thank you for your honesty and courage to share your journey. You are facing some difficult stuff.
You have a variety of issues that are going to continue to converge and impair your sex life with your new wife.
1. Physical trauma related to the accident.
2. Emotional stress related to the accident.
3. Side effects from medication can rob passion.
4. Viewing porn neuters you sexually.
5. Unrestrained sexual desires for other women.
6. Living in a fantasy world sexually.
7. The erosion of your conscience.
Here is what you should do:
Your faith and convictions need to anchor you. See 1 Thess. 4:3-8 & 1 Cor. 7. You need to give your sexuality to the Lord.
You need to break the silence and get help for you lust and porn problems. You won’t overcome this addiction alone.
You need to limit your sexual focus to only your wife. Get a good friend who you trust to hold you accountable to this.
Read the article on porn on this site.
Go to a marriage conference/seminar together to become more solid in your relationship.
Honestly face YOUR issues so they don’t destroy your marriage.
I do phone or Skype counseling if you like. Look under counseling requests.
Praying for You for Courage to Do What is Right,
Dr. Dave
Hi Dr.Dave
I’ve been married for 2 and half years now..But after our marriage we have only stayed 6 months together,then once in a month or 2 weeks like that our life went on,I got pregnant last year,till then my husband was interested in sex.bt while getting pregnant i needed to force him..After delivery we both are living together for 4 months now,he is not at all interested..its 1 year since we had sex..he is always tensed with his work,says that his life is a failure..he is not even interested to talk about sex and he is also forcing me not to have sex,our child sleeps near us,he is afraid of the impact of sex on our child,thats is the reason he saying of lack in interest..he is not ready to consult a doctor..we are losing the intimacy in between us..pls help me..I cant even express my feelings..i really feel frustrated in my life,pls give me a solution to this problem..
Thanks
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Thanks for your comments. I hope that you continue to grow in your most important relationships. I will make an effort to write more on the topic of the sexual dimension of marriage.
We are a bunch of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your site offered us with valuable information to work on. You’ve done a formidable job and our whole group will probably be thankful to you.
Sativa,
Thank you for your comments on the website. I really hope we can be of further help to you and your project of building stronger families in your community. Where are you located and what are your goals for your project?
If I can be of any further help, let me know. Keep your marriage and family in a place of priority too. God bless you in your endeavor and into 2012.
Dr. Dave
I find your response interesting and somewhat stereotypical.
If a man having the same issues posed this question (wife uninterested in sex), he isn’t told that perhaps his wife has a porn addiction or is feeling unfulfilled at work or has ego issues, he is told to be patient, to woo her, is he helping enough around the house, sharing the burden of the kids, that he should understand that cuddling is intimate and that priming for sex starts the moment you wake up in the morning and goes the day through.
Your answer, with its merits for a percentage of the population, further compounds the difficulty, confusion, worry and isolation that women feel who have husbands that just aren’t that interested in sex (just like there are women who just aren’t that into it).
MJ,
Valid point. It’s not about blame but hopefully understanding as the numbers of low desire men that are coming to us at conferences and in counseling are increasing. What’s your best suggestion?
Dr. Dave
Concerned,
Good question. I hurt for the whole situation. She could call him on it and require they go to counseling to deal with it. His refusal, disinterest and saying she could go elsewhere is not the stuff of which a marriage is made. It is not a healthy or God-honoring marriage. She may have grounds for Biblical divorce.
Dr. Dave
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